An open letter to my coupled up friends,
I'm happy for you, I am glad you have found someone that makes you happy and adds value to your life. To see you in love is a wonderful thing.
In saying that. Go fuck yourselves. I mean really and truly fuck your fucking self. I have no desire to watch you canoodle, make out, or any other sweet sappy lovey things. It riles me to my cockerels, how dare you be happy when I am over here clearly entrenched in commitment issues?
As you look down on me pitifully from your throne of love and throw me bones of inspirational bullshit. "You just haven't met the right girl yet Arlen." "It will happen in it's own time Arlen." "Stop flirting with my sister Arlen." "No Arlen she's married to my Dad." Just shut up.
To be fair though, y'all try. Setting me up on countless blind dates and wing manning your asses off. Yet at 2AM I'm sitting across from y'all at IHOP alone, making sweet sweet love to my blueberry pancakes.
I don't wanna be the third wheel, it sucks. I certainly don't wanna be the fifth wheel or the seventh (yea that's a thing).
I don't put a whole lot of stock in fate or "the one." I'd settle for a hot, Star Wars loving chick, who isn't stupid, and can deal with the fact that I am a single Dad. My unicorn, my Yeti, my Loch Ness. I'm pretty sure she's a myth but I'll keep looking anyway.
I love you all and I have learned to love those you love. BUT Holy fuck stop inviting me to couple things and not telling me they're couple things. I'm over it already.
Sincerely,
Arlen "Stop Making Out In Front Of Me" Lindsey
I'm serious fucking stop it or I'll spray you with the waterhose.