My friends daughter saw my toes when I took off my shoes the other night. Her first reaction was to laugh. If you follow my blog or know me personally, you are aware of my daughters need to keep my nails done as perfectly as possible. They were done up completely in multi colored glitter, it had taken her almost an hour. I put on my best pouty face and inquired to why it was funny. She replied "because you're a boy." I looked at her with a goofy grin and said "so?" She shrugged and said "I like them." She's nine, she completely accepted the fact that I had rainbow glittery toenails just because I didn't seem to think it was a big deal.
I think the art of being a man has been lost. I don't mean the the machismo, homophobic, mysogenistic, bullshit of our grandfathers and even our fathers to some degree. I mean a fully awakened man who isn't afraid to be truly himself, others opinions be damned.
In my minds eye, I know what I have to do to be a man. A man that I would be proud to see my children emulate or the kind of person I would want my children to be with.
Do the right thing, no matter what. What I want, what makes me feel good, and what feeds my ego are rarely in line with what is right. Every decision I make, every choice must be weighed and balanced. What I do not only affects me but all the people in my life. I have to take into account all possible repercussions to the people I treasure and value most before I act. My goal in life is not to be happy, my goal is live the best I can, and in that happiness will come to me.
Don't be a douchebag. People have feelings and if my ego trumps my civility, I'm doing it wrong. I'm as big of an asshole as the next guy and if you ask me a question I will be honest with my answer. If the answer pisses you off so be it. BUT I do not actively try to hurt people and if I do, I do my best to make it right.
I'm not a victim. The things that have happened to me, the experiences I have had do not give me free rein to do what I want. I cannot and will not go out and do selfish things or hurt people and use the way I was treated as an excuse. Life is easier when you have a scapegoat but I need to be able to look myself in the mirror.
I don't wear skinny jeans, I am not slave to any fashion, my clothes fit my body appropriately (come on guys get a shirt that fits), and I don't care what you think. I am a father first and foremost, if my daughter wants to paint my nails, so be it. I'll have sparkly rainbow toenails. To be a man is to be real, to be true to ones self. To put my family's needs before my own. To put what I want behind what they need. To not let my anger and ego determine my actions, to not react without thought of consequences.
To me, and this is my opinion, based solely on my version of the world as I see it. To be a man has nothing to do with how you dress or what you drive. It has nothing to do with your hobbies or your facial hair (grow a beard tho, it doesn't hurt). It's about the internal struggle between self and right. It's how you interact with the world.
It's being a father, it's coaching my sons football team, it's cheering on my daughter while she cheers on the Bulldogs. It's being where I say I'll be and doing what I say I'll do. It's cooperating with my exwife and not screaming at her when I feel she's wrong. It's saying you're sorry when you fuck up. It's not blaming another because my life didn't work out the way I wanted it.
It's painted toenails
It's playing board games
It's doing things I don't want because no one else will.
And sometimes it's being alone